Sunday, April 29, 2012

Seizures, Scissors, and Coupon Blogs

Hi.  I just had a seizure, oh, about an hour ago (have I mention before that I have seizures?  That's something I do).  And now I'm writing on my blog.  I'm sure this will go swimmingly.  All day my cats have been behaving badly.  They probably sensed that their human was going to fall down and flop around a bit and they were nervous and resentful about it.  Cats have a sixth sense about these things.  I like to tell people that I am a mover and a shaker.  Because I move and shake.  Muahahahahah.  Get it?  I know.  Bad joke.

So I was cutting all the coupons out of the Sunday paper and I started to feel bad--really, really bad.  I thought, you should probably put these scissors down because if you have a seizure while you are holding scissors, it will be a bad thing.  You could put an eye out.  And as cool as it would be to wear an eye patch or (even better) a monocle, it would probably hurt to stab yourself in the eye.  So I put the scissors down.  And then I seized.  And then I tried to call people.  I think I left a few indecipherable messages on a few friends' voicemails, but who remembers that sort of thing?

Have you ever noticed that almost every coupon blog has a Christian theme to it?  There are all these nice, well-organized Christian ladies writing about couponing and budgeting.  And I am obsessed with reading their blogs.  Some of them even jump into dumpsters so they can get extra papers for more coupons.  It's amazing.  I love it.  I love these crazy coupon ladies.  I want to give them all hugs.  Someone should start an atheist coupon blog or even a pagan coupon blog.  I don't think the world is ready for a Satanist coupon blog, but that is a thought for the future.

Tuesday, December 27, 2011

A Spinster Watches TV--Comedy Edition

I watch TV a lot--not an actual TV, but Hulu and Netflix, etc.  The internet might be the best thing to happen to television ever: so many shows, so many episodes, so few commercials.  It's a lovely thing.  And a very, very addicting thing.

So today I made a list of all of the best TV shows ever.  They are in no particular order.

1. Roseanne
Roseanne is available on Netflix streaming.

The cast of Roseanne in all its early nineties glory.

Roseanne was groundbreaking.  Whereas so many shows were aspirational, Roseanne showed a working-class family being working class.  And it was hilarious and relatable and fantastic.  Roseanne is probably not the greatest actor, but she is funny, and the supporting cast completely makes up for her lack of chops.  Also, we get to see nineties Sara Gilbert, and she is sooooo pretty.

2. The Golden Girls
The Golden Girls is available on DVD through Netflix.  
You can also find many episodes on YouTube. 

These ladies are stylin'.
  You know how everyone loves Betty White?  There's a reason--she's awesome, and she was once a Golden Girl (she's the only surviving member of the cast).  This show is definitely one of the best things ever.  It is ideal for marathoning when you're sick, and it is almost always on one of the cable channels.  It's very, very funny, but still manages to handle serious topics like AIDS with aplomb.  I don't think this show could or would be made today.  The women on this show were presented as sexual beings, and it wasn't played for laughs (Can you imagine?  Someone over forty wanting to have sex!).  I love this show because it's so refreshingly honest and frank, and it never fails to be funny.  I do warn you, though, when you watch this show you might get a craving for cheesecake with your girls and want to say lanai a lot.  Also, Bea Arthur was quite possibly the greatest woman in the history of ever.

3. The Red Green Show
The Red Green Show is available on DVD through Netflix
Basic lesson: duct tape holds the universe together.
 I watched The Red Green Show all the time back in the day.  It was on the PBS station on Saturday nights.  I recorded all the episodes on video.  In some landfill somewhere are many, many videos filled to the brim with The Red Green Show.  It's goofy and weird and full of what most would call "guy humor," but I loved it with all my heart.  Maybe the rural Idahoan in me related to the rural Canadian in Red Green.  Either way, this show is a hoot, and you learn important lessons about duct tape clear throughout.  The Red Green Show also has consistently reassured me that if the women don't find me handsome, they should at least find me handy.

4. Parks and Recreation
Parks and Recreation is available through Netflix streaming.
The radiant Leslie Knope.
 Parks and Rec is probably one of the best shows on television now.  Leslie Knope is sincere and earnest and so genuinely likeable a character that it's hard not to love her.  All of the relationships in this show are so sweet.  Plus, Parks and Rec introduced us to Ron Swanson, his moustache, and all of the Tammys.  It deserves a mention just for that.

5. Community
Community is available on DVD through Netflix.
Making non-traditional college students feel better about themselves every week.
 For some reason, I didn't get the message about the awesomeness of Community until quite recently.  As soon as I watched it, I was hooked.  It is just so funny.  All of the characters are amazing, and Troy and Abed's friendship is probably one of the best guy friendships ever on television.  Every week they make my nerdy heart rejoice.

6. Arrested Development
Arrested Development is available on Netflix streaming.
They will make you feel good about your family.
 If you haven't yet become hopelessly addicted to Arrested Development, I'm a bit jealous of you.  You get to watch it for the first time.  This show is completely goofy and funny, featuring a family that is more dysfunctional than my own.  The cast is stellar.

7. A Bit of Fry and Laurie
A Bit of Fry and Laurie is available through Netflix streaming. 
Bits of Stephen Fry and bits of Hugh Laurie.
 Anyone who is a fan of Stephen Fry and Hugh Laurie has to watch this show.  Anyone who is a fan of happiness has to watch this show.  It is one of the greatest things in the world.  The world may lack many things; we may have poverty, war, and pain, but as long as Stephen Fry and Hugh Laurie are around, this world will be a good place.

8. Raising Hope
Raising Hope is available on Netflix Streaming
Family values
 My friend Jessica introduced me to this show two days ago.  I haven't finished it yet, but I laughed more when I was watching it than I have laughed in a long, long time.  It is intelligent and surprising.  I can't wait to watch the rest.

9. Cougar Town
Cougar Town is available on DVD through Netflix 

We will soon all be drinking wine for breakfast.
I was prepared to hate this show.  First, it has a very stupid name, and second, I'm not really a fan of Courtney Cox.  She nails it here, though.  This role is perfect for her.  Before you disqualify it based on the title, rest assured that they only tried to have a "cougar" theme for a couple of episodes.  After those first few, it just gets hilarious and goofy and weird.  Soon enough you will be wanting your own official Penny Can and a group of crazy friends to play it with.

10.  Flight of the Conchords
Flight of the Conchords is available on DVD though Netflix.

I'm a kiwi in New York
 This show is amazing and hilarious, and for some reason I can't get any of my friends into it.  So I need internet peeps to enjoy it and allow me to go on and on and on about how much I love it.  If you are a fan of weirdness, music, New Zealand, and joy, you will love this show.  And if you don't love this show, I'm not sure if you really have a soul at all.

11.  The Big Bang Theory
The Big Bang Theory is available on DVD through Netflix. 

Nerds being nerds makes me smile.
 If you have any nerdish inclinations at all, you are probably already a fan of The Big Bang Theory.  If you would like to have nerdish inclinations, you should start watching it now.  In the past it was a bit of a sausage fest, with Penny as the only girl and only non-genius in the group, but now they've added a few more female characters, and it gets more and more awesome each episode.  Sheldon's girl friend (of a sort), Amy Farrah Fowler (played by Mayim Bialik--that's right, Blossom), is a wonderful character, and she's guaranteed to make you laugh.  Oh, and Leonard is played by Johnny Galecki, of Roseanne fame.  There are even a few guest appearances by Sara Gilbert.  Oh, and there is enough Wil Wheaton to keep many nerds satisfied.

12.  Are You Being Served
Are You Being Served is available on DVD through Netflix. 

The underwear really says it all.
 This is another show I used to watch on PBS all of the time.  For some reason, while I was growing up, my parents thought PBS was wholesome.  I am all the better for their delusions.  This is a classic British comedy and is guaranteed to bring many, many laughs.  Totally worth it for Mrs. Slocombe's changing hair color and constant chatter about her pussy.


13.  Keeping Up Appearances
Keeping Up Appearances is available through Netflix streaming. 
There's one in every family.
 Another show I used to watch on PBS.  I used to tease my mom that the character of Hyacinth Bucket was based on her (she's a bit of a domestic diva).  This show is funny and light--just a relaxing and comforting  thing to watch.


 And those are my go-to comedies.  What do you think of them?  What are your favorite comedy series?  Anything you think I absolutely must watch?

Tuesday, August 2, 2011

Shae, I Will Never Feed Your Daughter to a Giant Guinea Pig Again

So I'm in a bad way, ya'll.  I had a seizure, and I think it was from pure stress because there is nothing but stress going on in my life right now.  It started yesterday.  I woke up from this horrible dream where I had fed my best friend's disabled daughter to a giant Guinea pig.  I didn't do it on purpose.  I was just in my apartment, and there was this cage with a Guinea pig in it, but it was in bad shape (the pig, not the cage.  The cage was very nice).  And I looked at it and thought, oh great, Hilary, another thing you have failed to take care of and thus destroyed.  And then I looked closer, and there was Maddie, and the Guinea pig was eating  her.  And I was horrified.  Then I woke up and freaked out and called Shae so I could tell her to make sure Maddie was all right, but the phone just rang and rang and rang.  And then I really woke up.  I'm constantly having dreams within dreams.  I'm like Inception that way.

So I spent the day crying and coughing because I had this horrible dream and one of my friends is mad at me and I couldn't figure out how I managed to fuck things up so royally.  So I decided to go visit Shae, but I got stuck at a bus stop because the horrible bus system here decided that people don't need to ride the bus after seven PM.  So I called Shae, but I got confused about what street I was on, and she had to drive all around town looking for me.  Then she helped her roommate move in while I hung out with Maddie until way late because I was feeling major guilt about my dream the night before.

My subconscious sucks.

Monday, July 25, 2011

My Kitten is Trying to Build a Meth Lab in My Apartment

This is Gracie.  She looks innocent (actually, she looks kind of drunk here), but she's not.  

This is Heisenberg.  He runs a meth lab.  He is Gracie's hero.

I can't believe I didn't know before now, but I guess I was too caught up with first, finding a job, and then, working at that job to notice that Gracie had a problem.  I guess staying home sick was a blessing.  I was lying in bed, and I noticed that Gracie kept trying, over and over again, to steal my decongestants.  Why would a cat want decongestants?  She didn't have a cold.  I had a cold.  But then it dawned on me.  What do you use decongestants for when you don't have a cold?  You use them to make meth.  My cat is a meth addict, y'all.  My cat is trying to build a meth lab in my apartment.  And, even though the managers were totally cool about me having cats, I don't think they'd be cool with me having a cat-built meth lab.  I think I'd definitely get kicked out for that. 

So I've been trying to talk to Gracie about the dangers of meth and what it will do to her pretty face and how if she keeps using she'll end up having sex with losers just to get her next high, but she just looked at me and then went over to her kitty cube and pushed it across the floor.  I can't get through to her.  I also tried to upload her picture to one of those little pages that shows your face on drugs (sort of like the one that will make you into a zombie), but they kept saying they couldn't find a face.  She totally has a face, though!  It's just a cat face.  So I tried to photoshop a meth face on her, but I'm not too good at photoshop.

If anyone has any way of getting through to an angry kitten who's in denial, tell me.

Sunday, July 24, 2011


I wrote this in my journal a couple of nights ago when I was very sick, but could not sleep because decongestants make me jittery.  I'm getting over my cold now, but my blog for the next couple of entries will all be about thoughts I had while I was slowly dying (I thought) alone in my apartment of the worst cold ever.

My nose is stuffed. My ears are clogged.  My throat is sore. My lips are chapped, and I have two giant pimples on my chin having a contest to see which can get the biggest and reddest the fastest.

I've missed three days of word at my brand new job.  Ants have conquered and colonized my apartment.  There is a fungus growing in my tub that I'm having second thoughts about cleaning because I'm starting to feel we have a personal relationship.

The clean laundry is piled up in the bedroom.  The dirty laundry is piled up in the bedroom.  The cats are using both for beds.  The sheets are washed but are not on my bed.  The bed is covered with mail and bills.  The bills are unpaid.

I am unpaid until I get over this blasted cold and get back to work.

Tuesday, May 17, 2011

Flossie T. McSluttypants

Hello there, fellow adult-be-ers.

Today my beloved kitty, the renowned Flossie T. McSluttypants, is being spayed.  I woke early this morning (7:00 in the blasted AM), washed my face and put on clothes, called my ride to make sure she remembered she was taking me and Flossie to the Humane Society, and lay back down with my kittybaby until it was time to go.  Flossie curled up on top of me and we had a good snuggle.

For those who don't know Flossie, she is the very best, very sweetest, very prettiest, very nicest kitty in the whole world.  She and I became acquainted a few months ago when, on a dark and rainy night, I looked out my window and saw a pair of lovely green eyes looking in at me.  I walked over to the window, and she did not walk away.  I went outside and she simply sat by my window.  It seemed like she was waiting for me.  She was an obvious stray, but she was not afraid of me. She was probably one of the cats that hung around my apartment building, being fed and pampered by various residents.  I brought her in and gave her a little bathy.  We took to each other immediately.  The next day I bought litter, food, and cat toys.  I knew she was mine.

Flossie has turned me, from the time I took her in (I can't say I became her owner because who ever really owns a cat?) into a sort of blabbering idiot about her.  I say she is my catbaby and I am her kittymama and she is my parents' grandkitty.  I swore I would never be like this, but her cuteness has overcome me.  Kitty snuggles have melted my once strong brain.  Who could resist this, though?  Look at these wonderful pictures:

 Flossie playing in my sock drawer
Flossie looking at the camera with disdain.

More pictures are to come when I download them from my phone because I know that there is nothing you are more interested in than my cat.

Monday, May 16, 2011


This blog is dedicated to all the late bloomers.  I know what late blooming is.  In fact I'm thirty, and I still consider myself a bud, my blooming is so late.  An interesting thing happened to me recently, though.  I realized that I'm a grownup.  Even though I still don't a have a college degree (I'm going back to school this fall) or a career or enough money to pay my bills, I'm a grownup.  I'm slowly but surely learning to make decisions that are more and more responsible, I'm taking a women's multivitamin, and I've passed the stage where I can be called a child prodigy.

So the point of this blog is in some part to bask in awe and wonder at my amazing responsible adulthood and in another part to remind myself to keep remembering to do all those awesome adulty things I've been doing.  And gossip and cooking and crafts, lots and lots of crafts I hope.  I hope I have time for them (if I ever get my apartment clean, the first plan is to lay out the newspapers I've been saving up and do something crafty on them).  And also pictures of cute girls.